Confession: I'm tired of restrictions

My quest for wellness when nothing comes easy anymore.

This week my son Teddy turned five. Here we are celebrating at school with cupcakes.

The spots are back. The familiar placement, where my collarbone meets my shoulder blade. Red and inflamed and asking for my attention. Too much sugar, again. My body is screaming. 

My pattern. There she is again. You’d think after years spent circling on the same carousel, I’d have more restraint. My body can’t process sugar. It knows this, and so do I. And yet, restriction often feels more oppressive than health feels rewarding, and so last night I ate the ice cream with my children to celebrate my son Teddy’s birthday. 

Adulthood has felt at time like a game of whack a mole. My body cries for help and and I try to hammer down the symptoms instead of actually listening and healing. Why does taking care of myself feel like such a burden? I think it’s because when I was younger wellness came so easily — my body didn’t even require me to drink a glass of water each day (only Diet Coke). That well of effortless (albeit highly caffeinated) health has dried up and frankly, I have a hard time accepting it.

Self Love Poetry, Page 91.

My five-year-old, in contrast to me, understands and honors my needs without judgment. He eats a bite of his cookie, offers it to me and asks: does it have gluten? I nod my head yes and so he pulls back his offer and instead gives me a hug. My ten-year-old, always paying attention to everything, then asks: will you always have to be gluten-free? Does that make you sad? I answer in the affirmative to both. The thought of a lifelong restriction does make me sad. Profoundly so.

But should it be sad? No one can have everything all the time, and surely it’s a blessing that I know what works for me and what doesn’t? Isn’t self love grounded in self awareness after all? 

Sugar, gluten. The more I dive into listening to my body and honoring my needs the longer the list of goodbyes grows. I’m making peace with this newfound minimalism, despite the slips and exceptions I can’t help but make. I am not designed for absolutes — I know this. Last night I had the ice cream, today I won’t. 

The question is: is it possible to transform my relationship with restriction so that it becomes an opportunity for expansion?

The less sugar or gluten I have, the happier, the clearer and more energized I am. I’m saying no — that’s true. But from that comes everything that actually matters. Who would choose ice cream over clarity and joy? How I choose to perceive my situation is what will ultimately define my relationship to what’s happening in my life. There is loss yes, but oh, there is so much abundance too when I focus on how good it feels when I take care of my body the way it has always taken care of me.

Please remember - this isn’t just about ice cream, and I’m not villainizing sugar. Some can have it.  Some can’t. The key is listening to your body when it tells you what works and what doesn’t. It took 40 years, but I’m finally listening. Most of the time.

In future confessions I’ll share more about my health, and my relationship to it. The quiet traumas that became a loud thyroid condition (that takes a disproportionate toll on women). The reverse aging that became possible only when I was ready to embrace a new mindset, and a new pattern. But for now, I’ll leave it at this: our egos and minds have grand ideas about who we should be and how we should live; but our bodies, our souls, our essence have something much more powerful than our thoughts — they’re powered by our intuitive knowing. 

This space is devoted to honoring the inner voice we so often cloud with distraction and silence with our egos. 

For me, the tell tell sign that I’m not honoring my intuition is the spots. For you, it may be an ache in your hip, a shortness of your breath, a listless night, a quiver of your eyelid, or feeling stuck, sad and anxious. Truthfully, it’s all of the above in my case.  Regardless of the symptom it uses, your body will always find a way to get your attention and help you shift into a new, more aligned way of life. I think it’s time we all listen.

A note about my work:

My latest book The Shift is on sale this week as part of a Limited Deal on Amazon (it’s usually $16.99, right now it’s $10.57. I don’t know how long this will last, so if you’re curious to read more from me this is a great deal. The Shift explores how I changed my perspective and changed my life during the pandemic. From self doubt to self love, control to surrender, fear to love, and so much more.

A note about links in this newsletter: Amazon links are affiliate links. I’ll always let you know if something I recommend is gifted to me or sponsored. All opinions are my own.

Here are some resources for strengthening your intuition and inner knowing that have helped me:

A Book to read:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk MD
My favorite takeaway: for someone who has experienced trauma, remaining in trauma can feel more comfortable than healing does. This book not only explains so much of the why when it comes to trauma, it offers actionable steps for healing that start with your body instead of your mind.

Music to listen to:

Last weekend I asked my brother for a Reiki referral (because I wanted someone to reset my energy for me and help me reconnect with my intuition) and he said, “Please, just try meditating.” Before I could say no, I can’t, he reminded me that I’ve been saying I can’t for years and I should just stop and try it. A few days later, I stumbled upon an artist on Spotify that I can actually meditate to: Beautiful Chorus. I hope this music brings you as much peace and grounding as it did for me. It helped silence my thoughts so that my nervous system could reset — exactly what I needed for my intuition to rebound.