Confession: It's all my fault

Uncovering the root causes of a lifetime of self blame

My son, living his best life: eating his Doritos while making his birthday wish.

This past weekend, I hosted my son Teddy’s 5th birthday party. He wanted an army theme, and boy did he get it. Guests of all ages arrived dressed in camouflage as he had requested, toy soldiers scaled his chocolate on chocolate cake, I rented an entire field for our private use at the park so we could have a nerf gun battle… I even got custom camouflage water bottle sleeves made that said Teddy’s Crew. I thought of every detail, and by all accounts, I executed it all flawlessly. So why was I so anxious pretty much the entire time? This my friends, is the eternal question.

When you peel back the perfect veneer of a meticulously planned and executed birthday party, the subtle cracks start to show. And this recovering perfectionist is an expert at peeling back the layers. I ordered three salads, but didn’t bring enough salad tongs. I also forgot to bring a knife to cut the cake (the same mistake I made last year). I forgot to have food for the vegan kid in Teddy’s class, even though just last week I remembered to have a vegan cupcake on hand for him at Teddy’s at school birthday celebration. But these mistakes are child’s play compared to the big issue: the pizza. I ordered 8 XL pizzas, when all we needed were 4. Why did I feel so bad about getting the math wrong on pizza? I always say I’d rather have too much food than too little, so I met my own value of abundance over scarcity.

The question remains: why did I dwell on this not for a moment, but for many moments at the party and even after? Welcome to my brain.

A smarter person would have invited more people — we had an entire park to ourselves for God’s sake. A smarter person knows 20% of people don’t show up the day of. A smarter person doesn’t order 8 XL pizzas for a two-hour party for 5-year-olds. A smarter person doesn’t waste food. A smarter person doesn’t waste money. A smarter person gets it right.

This is how I operate. When I do things right, I rarely give myself credit. When I do things wrong though, or let’s be honest — when I do things right but perceive them as wrong — my inner critic takes over, and wow is she mean.

The Shift, page 50.

How does someone who has focused on exploring and writing about self love for almost a decade now still struggle with such a powerful urge to blame herself? All I can say in response to this question is this: imagine how much worse it used to be.

In researching this piece, I for the first time googled, “What is the source of self blame.” The very first thing that came up? Self blame is a survival response. And here we are, back again. Me trying to control everything, even if it means blaming myself to give myself a false sense of control.

I spent a lot of time at the party counting heads. I was expecting 60, and only about 45 came. How can I control whether people show up or not? Clearly I can’t. But can I blame myself for them not being there, or not eating more? Can I blame myself for not being clairvoyant enough to order less pizza? You bet I can. This is what a person in a constant state of survival does.

Digging further, I’ve learned that there are two different types of self blame: behavioral, and characterological. “Behavioral self-blame is control related, involves attributions to a modifiable source (one's behavior), and is associated with a belief in the future avoidability of a negative outcome. Characterological self-blame is esteem related, involves attributions to a relatively nonmodifiable source (one's character), and is associated with a belief in personal deservingness for past negative outcomes.” Source.

Self love has certainly healed a lot of my characterological self blame — I know I don’t deserve bad outcomes, I know I am worthy of good things and love and ease and peace. (Maybe don’t read a few paragraphs up where I talk about how a smarter person would have handled the party). But even when I embrace my worth and character, the survivor in me, she still wants to feel safe and in control, even if that means blaming the hell out of myself when things aren’t perfectly perfect. I blame myself for more than just birthday parties, of course. I blame myself for not being able to keep Fred and Far running while releasing three books in a year while raising three kids while losing my nanny while nurturing one child through a life-changing surgery. A smarter person would have been able to grow that business a lot better than I did. Oh, how many nights have I spent in bed with that story. I clearly still have a lot of work to do.

As I research further, the dots continue to connect for me. Self blame is also a symptom of taking on too much responsibility as a child. I recently wrote about the impact being the first daughter in an immigrant family had on me, and I’m sure there are many here who can relate. Even when we were children ourselves, we became responsible for our families (through no one’s fault). I’m 40 years old and I’ve done a lot of work on myself in this regard, but I still worry about my parents and brothers more than I probably should. (I wrote this paragraph yesterday evening, and last night I had terrible nightmares about my Dad being in trouble. Did facing my patterns and researching their causes break through my “I’m okay! Everything is okay!” exterior? It sure seems like it. Either that, or it was the pesky Scorpio Eclipse that’s happening right now. )

I know exploring the feelings that run like an electrical current right under my surface level calm is the key to my healing. Choosing to be very honest on this newsletter is my commitment to doing the work. Normally, I wouldn’t have reflected on the birthday party at all — the feelings would have just piled onto the amorphous, “I don’t like hosting parties” anxiety I carry around but never explore. (Case in point, my birthday is this month and all my girlfriends are asking me what I want to do — can I hide under a rock?)

No one could tell how frazzled I was at the party, by the way (with the exception of my mom, who is in fact clairvoyant). My brother even commented on how chill I was the next day. Lol indeed.

But where does all this awareness leave us, though? I now have a better understanding of why I have this pattern of self blaming. The question is — what do we do now? I’ve done more research, and here are five strategies we can start implementing today (I’m especially excited about #3):

1. Listen to this playlist

It wouldn’t be a Thursday Confession without a playlist. This playlist starts with songs that relate to self blame, and ends with a good dose of self love. Imagine the love songs are devoted not to a lover, but to you, from you. I also included a Ho’oponopono track, more on that below.

2. Ask yourself some questions

When you find yourself engaging in self blame, a good thing to do is try to step back and ask yourself some questions — from there, you can reframe your thinking and rewire your pattern.

a) What story am I telling myself in this moment?
b) Is the story harming me, or helping me?
c) How can I reframe my perspective to be the hero of my story instead of the victim?
d) How would I perceive, treat or talk to a loved one in the same situation?
e) What can I learn for next time, and what can I let go of?
f) So what?

Question (f) is a gift from my father. When I was growing up, I’d express how upset I was about something and he’d look at me and say, “So what?” At the time, I wanted to murder him. I thought he was being so callous. Why didn’t he validate my story? My feelings? Couldn’t he see what a big deal this was? Now I understand that he wasn’t trying to minimize my feelings or experiences. He was challenging me to focus not on what happened, but on what happens next. To use my pizza example: I ordered too many pizzas. So what? SO WHAT. There’s something so simple and liberating about this. It takes me right out of my spiral. Try it and let me know if it works for you.

3. Adopt a mantra

For me, the worst time of day when it comes to self blaming is right before I go to bed. Without the distractions of the day, my self blame spirals out of control. This was especially bad during the pandemic, and now that I understand the origin of my self blame, it makes sense: I had zero control during the pandemic, and so my self blame went through the room. At that time, I started repeating this mantra before bed to silence my thoughts: “I did my best, I did my best, I did my best.” Because it’s true. I always, always do my best. I’m sure you do too. Use this one, or another compassionate phrase to help quiet your inner critic.

The Shift, 51.

4. Practice Ho’oponopono

In Hawaiian, Ho’opnopono embodies four phrases: I am sorry, Please forgive me, I thank you and I love you. It is both a prayer and a forgiveness practice. It’s purpose is to unburden you and return you to balance. Listen to the track on our playlist above and repeat the phrases until you experience release.

5. Try the O-p-e-n 1-Day Nervous System Reset

My favorite yoga/mindfulness studio in Los Angeles, O-p-e-n, is providing a free 1-Day Nervous System Reset videos series that includes breathwork, flow, meditation and more in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month. Try it. (Not sponsored).

If you try these strategies, let me know how they work for you!

Mother’s day is coming. I hope you’ll gift a subscription to Self Love Confidential to your favorite mom.