Confession: my hibernation is over
With the end of an era come some gifts
My view of the supermoon on August 1, 2023. Do you see the moonbow?
I know this isn’t an astrology newsletter. I confess I know very little about astrology. I don’t check my horoscope. I don’t know my sun and moon (did I even get that right?). But what I do know, is that I am and have always been, captivated by the night sky, especially the moon. This month has felt different than prior months for me. Like I suddenly have woken up from a hibernation. Right before August arrived with a supermoon on its very first day, I felt a period of tension, sadness, even rage. After a night of moon gazing and writing, I am renewed. Peaceful. More in love even?
Not one week later came the Lion’s Gate Portal on 8/8, another significant astrological moment that’s supposed to give us clarity and manifest our biggest dreams. That isn’t exactly how 8/8 played out for me. I received an Instagram DM that attacked me as a poet/philosopher, and instead of ignoring it like my intuition urged me to, I engaged by blocking them and writing a poem about the experience. My friends. This was a mistake.
Although what ensued also included the most robust support from my beautiful community, it also included a stunning flurry of attacks from strangers (attacks that carried over onto Twitter where I now have someone who has dedicated their page to hating me). If the 8/8 Lion’s Gate Portal was designed to give me clarity, it certainly delivered: always trust your intuition and never engage with your haters, no matter how fiercely you want to protect or defend yourself. This hard fought lesson is my first gift to you in this newsletter, and in today’s charged climate it couldn’t be more applicable.
Although as the Self Love Philosopher I’m always saying that your power comes from speaking your truth, it also at times comes from owning your truth in silence. Whomever this person is, they’re clearly suffering through something, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with me or my poetry. Engaging simply gave them more room to unload their fury. Plus, upon reflection, shaming them — even though I blocked out their handle information — wasn’t something I’m proud of. It was the work of my ego, who is always clamoring for closure, when all the while, all my soul wanted was peace.
The Shift: Poetry for a New Perspective, 96-97.
For two nights after what happened, I couldn’t sleep. You could say my literal hibernation was over. But a bigger picture hibernation is over, too. I haven’t written a new book since early 2022, and I haven’t had the urge to. I spent the last 18 or so months instead cultivating my home life and family. From addressing my children’s picky eating and facilitating a life-changing surgery and PT for my daughter, to turning my bedroom full of hand-me-downs into a literal sanctuary, this era has been transformative. But the struggle to be both a mother and a human being has reached a tipping point, and I know that in order to fully be present as a mother with joy, it’s time to spend more time not on them, but on me. Which is why I have two new books brewing, one related to Self Love Poetry and one about — you guessed it — the moon. If you’d like to learn more about how you can contribute to either or both, reply to this email or leave a comment. My best work has always been born in community, and I know these new books will be no exception. I’d love for you to be part of them.
The Shift: Poetry for a New Perspective, 127.
In celebration of my Spring awakening on the cusp of Fall, I have a few more gifts. Below I’ve shared some of the content from prior posts that was previously locked behind a paywall. I hope you enjoy the interactive elements in these confessions and use them to prepare for the second full moon of the month on Wednesday, August 30th (also a supermoon). Show up for the moon with your intentions in hand, and she will most certainly work her magic for you in return.
With love,
An excerpt from Confession: I figured out why I’m a hoarder
This week, my daughter Violet and I had a huge fight. The screaming match was so intense my other two children left the house to play in the garden. I’m not proud of this. But if this newsletter is ever going to work, I owe you — and me — an honest accounting of the full spectrum of my life.
Why were we screaming? Because while Violet was at school, I entered and cleaned her room. When she discovered what I had done, she was teary-eyed and furious and I experienced every emotion available to me as both a person and a mother: sadness, regret, anger, resentment, sadness, and… understanding…
…Fighting with Violet about her room, I realized that both for her, and for me, it’s not just as simple as being sentimental or nostalgic or liking or loving our things. The look I saw on Violet’s face when she entered and things didn’t look exactly as they did when she left for school was a look of terror. I had violated not only her space; I had violated her sense of safety.
Here are some techniques I’m using to help both Violet and I feel safer, regardless of what happens to our rooms:
Collect music, not belongings
Do a grounding exercise
Grounding exercises get you out of your head and ignite your parasympathetic response system (the opposite of fight or flight). Here are 10 grounding exercises for you to try, including breathing, scanning, walking and holding onto some ice.
Speak to yourself
It may seem too simple to be true, but simply repeating the words “I am safe” to myself has had a profound impact on me. I say it out loud, I say it in my head. I remind myself. I believe words shape our consciousness, so I choose my words carefully. Try speaking what you need and see what happens.
Activate your sixth sense
Did you know there is a sixth sense, aside from sight, smell, sound, touch and feel? It’s your proprioceptive system, which some call the safe sense. It’s a sense located in your muscles and joints, and provides you with a sense of body awareness. Ways to activate your proprioceptive system include swinging, pushing, pulling, climbing, squeezing and stretching. Yoga for example is a great way to engage your proprioceptive system.
Play
There is no substitute for play. Violet’s happiest, freest and safest moments are always when she is playing. I watch in awe as she immerses herself with her stuffies or plays with her little brother. There is no fear in her when she plays. I’ve personally forgotten how to play. I’m writing this tip and wondering how I will execute it in my life. Everything feels so structured and buttoned up and mandatory right now. My request, if you’ve gotten this far, is to tell me how you plan to play. Let’s commit to it together.
An excerpt from Confession: It’s all my fault
This past weekend, I hosted my son Teddy’s 5th birthday party. He wanted an army theme, and boy did he get it. Guests of all ages arrived dressed in camouflage as he had requested, toy soldiers scaled his chocolate on chocolate cake, I rented an entire field for our private use at the park so we could have a nerf gun battle… I even got custom camouflage water bottle sleeves made that said Teddy’s Crew. I thought of every detail, and by all accounts, I executed it all flawlessly. So why was I so anxious pretty much the entire time? This my friends, is the eternal question.
When you peel back the perfect veneer of a meticulously planned and executed birthday party, the subtle cracks start to show. And this recovering perfectionist is an expert at peeling back the layers. I ordered three salads, but didn’t bring enough salad tongs. I also forgot to bring a knife to cut the cake (the same mistake I made last year). I forgot to have food for the vegan kid in Teddy’s class, even though just last week I remembered to have a vegan cupcake on hand for him at Teddy’s at school birthday celebration. But these mistakes are child’s play compared to the big issue: the pizza. I ordered 8 XL pizzas, when all we needed were 4. Why did I feel so bad about getting the math wrong on pizza? I always say I’d rather have too much food than too little, so I met my own value of abundance over scarcity.
The question remains: why did I dwell on this not for a moment, but for many moments at the party and even after? Welcome to my brain… I’ve done some research, and here are some strategies we can start implementing today to combat self blame:
Ask yourself some questions
When you find yourself engaging in self blame, a good thing to do is try to step back and ask yourself some questions — from there, you can reframe your thinking and rewire your pattern.
a) What story am I telling myself in this moment?
b) Is the story harming me, or helping me?
c) How can I reframe my perspective to be the hero of my story instead of the victim?
d) How would I perceive, treat or talk to a loved one in the same situation?
e) What can I learn for next time, and what can I let go of?
f) So what?
Question (f) is a gift from my father. When I was growing up, I’d express how upset I was about something and he’d look at me and say, “So what?” At the time, I wanted to murder him. I thought he was being so callous. Why didn’t he validate my story? My feelings? Couldn’t he see what a big deal this was? Now I understand that he wasn’t trying to minimize my feelings or experiences. He was challenging me to focus not on what happened, but on what happens next. To use my pizza example: I ordered too many pizzas. So what? SO WHAT. There’s something so simple and liberating about this. It takes me right out of my spiral. Try it and let me know if it works for you.
Adopt a mantra
For me, the worst time of day when it comes to self blaming is right before I go to bed. Without the distractions of the day, my self blame spirals out of control. This was especially bad during the pandemic, and now that I understand the origin of my self blame, it makes sense: I had zero control during the pandemic, and so my self blame went through the room. At that time, I started repeating this mantra before bed to silence my thoughts: “I did my best, I did my best, I did my best.” Because it’s true. I always, always do my best. I’m sure you do too. Use this one, or another compassionate phrase to help quiet your inner critic.
Practice Ho’oponopono
In Hawaiian, Ho’opnopono embodies four phrases: I am sorry, Please forgive me, I thank you and I love you. It is both a prayer and a forgiveness practice. It’s purpose is to unburden you and return you to balance. Listen to the Ho’opnoponotrack on this playlist and repeat the phrases until you experience release.