self love is resetting your algorithm
are you brave enough to start fresh?
The head of Instagram Adam Mosseri announced last week that soon, all of us will soon have the opportunity to “Start fresh.” In other words, soon we’ll be given the option of resetting our algorithms. What does that mean, exactly? In my case, I’ll have the opportunity to reset nearly 15 years of clicks, follows, and voyeuristic lurking and let Instagram get to know me all over again. If you’re anything like me, some of the things on your for you page make you cringe, so it probably isn’t the worst thing to erase who Instagram thinks I am. So why then does the thought of it make me hesitate? Because the algorithm serves me what I like, and the thought of starting over, is well, uncomfortable.
A page from Self Love Poetry: for Thinkers & Feelers
The timing is also somewhat uncanny. Instagram was born in 2010, which is also when I was married. In July, I’ll hit 15 years of marriage a few months before Instagram birthday. But in many ways, this feels like my first year of marriage, because in January, Aaron and I did a reset of our own. We reset the stories we’ve been holding onto about each other, about ourselves. We made new commitments. We decided to start fresh. In many ways, it has been the best year of my life. And yet, the thought of extending this fresh start to other parts of my life, whether it’s my habits around waking up and going to bed (both terrible) or how I fill my downtime (i.e. Instagram, also terrible), makes me nervous. But if even Instagram is telling me it’s time for a fresh start, isn’t it time for me to take the plunge?
Who I was in 2010 has hardly any connection to who I am today. In 2010 I was barely out of my career as an attorney, I had just written my first book (a political thriller) and I was playing house with Aaron after living with my parents my whole life. Today, I have three kids (two tweens!), just finished my fifth book, and am no longer playing house. I am actually an adult doing adult things. When the dishwasher/washing machine/[insert household appliance] breaks, I am the one who fixes it, along with the skinned knees, hurt feelings, and endless cascade of life moving fast moments. Maybe resetting the many algorithms that govern my behavior is how I make sure to stop and look around so I don’t miss my one wild and precious life. (If you got the Ferris Bueller / Mary Oliver mashup there, we should definitely be friends IRL.)
A page from The Shift.
I’ve written about how being in mid-life can sometimes feel like I’m running on an endless hamster wheel, adding plate after spinning plate to my already full spread. But perhaps it’s not that I’m on a hamster wheel at all. My life isn’t changing day-to-day because I’ve locked myself into a narrow algorithm. My habits — MY HABITS — are not serving me. If I want a more expansive life, it’s up to me to create that for myself. And I can. And so can you. I am the conductor. And so are you.
A page from The Shift.
Imagine you could reset every algorithm, reclaim every habit. Imagine if you could design a new way of life for yourself. What would it look like? Map out your day from the moment you open your eyes, to the moment you fall asleep. What do you see? How do you feel? Every smell, every sensation, every hour, minute and second—map it all out. This is how you reset your algorithm: you start with vision, with intention. Then you commit: with joy, with action, with follow through. You see every breath as an act of devotion. You design the life you wish to live, and then you’re brave and bold and disciplined enough to bring it to life.
The word discipline is an important one to reflect on. When I was little, I remember being told, “Follow the rules, or you’ll be disciplined,” as though discipline is a bad thing. When I tried recently to explain what discipline is to my children, I steered clear of the punitive definition and reflected on its original meaning: freedom cultivated through self mastery. When we align our lives with our goals and values, what we’re practicing is discipline. Originally, discipline was about learning, not about control. I hope we reclaim this meaning.
Self mastery isn’t possible when we’re half asleep and letting our IRL habits and digital history define our futures. Do you love yourself enough to give up the comfort of your algorithms?
Books are always the best holiday gift!
My books are on sale throughout the Internet just in time for the holidays. Take advantage of these crazy deals, especially on Amazon.
Self Love Poetry: for Thinkers & Feelers: LOWEST PRICE EVER $7.50
Amazon’s black friday promotion has my book marked down to the lowest price I’ve ever seen. Get your copies here.
The Shift: Poetry for a New perspective: $10
Once you learn how to love yourself in Self Love Poetry: for Thinkers & Feelers, The Shift guides you through the many life changes that come next. It was my natural progression — I hope to hear how it resonates with you as you take the next step in your self love journey. Get your copies here.
The ABCs of Self Love: $12
Want a more interactive experience? Need a gift for a teen that will truly make a difference? The ABCs is for you. Get your copies here.